Of Gods and Squirrels
by andy kaufmann
Summary: A group of six squirrels race against time to relieve a diminished platoon of recruits who are about to be sieged and siezed by a Tedi SS probe. Final Update: Sorry it took so long. The end. Please submit your reviews with a star-type rating.
1. A Drastic Mission

Adagio for Strings plays. A black-and-white video from the "It's War" chapter of Conker's Bad Fur Day plays in the background, audio edited out. Credits roll during this time. Video ends with Conker entering the Evil Tedi bunker. Fade out.  
  
Caption: T-Day plus Two. Some beach behind Tedi lines.  
  
3rd Platoon Camp.  
  
An overhead view of the camp. There are squirrels scurrying about the camp like ants on gum. Amid all the grayness of the squirrels there is a spot of brilliant red. Camera zooms in to show Private Conker. He is flipping a coin, and a cigar is clenched tightly in his mouth. Conker is not wearing the usual army attire. He wears his trademark blue jacket, and instead of boots, he walks on yellow-and-blue sneakers. His eyes are wide, and there is a splotch of deep blue in the very center.  
  
When the T-Day invasion began, he was not enlisted. A barrel-chested sergeant had knocked him out and thrown him on the Higgins boat. What he would witness would not soon be forgotten. He was one of only four who survived the entire assault on his beach. The entire invasion amounted to about 300. Only about 100 are left alive, most of whom are wounded. Conker wasn't scratched.  
  
A Lieutenant walks into the camp. He's holding a clipboard. Conker sighs and salutes.  
  
Lieutenant: At ease.  
  
The soldiers sit.  
  
Lieutenant walks over to where Conker was minding his own.  
  
Lieutenant: Are you a Private Conker?  
  
Conker: Yes I am, sir. Who gives?  
  
His voice has a certain accent to it, kind of New Jersey/New England.  
  
Lieutenant: A certain squadron in the small bridge town of Rommel.  
  
Conker: oh, what's THEIR story?  
  
Lieutenant: They used to be two platoons, Private. Then some Panzer SS ran through the small town and chopped 'em into pieces. They lost about seventy of their men. The platoon was so pathetic that they had to form a militia out of the village. They eventually drove the Tediz outta there, but they need relief. The CO there is demanding some of the best this army has, and they drive in on Jeeps in groups of six. One of the soldiers he wanted was you.  
  
Conker: This is a privilege?  
  
Lieutenant: Not really. Think of it more as an order.  
  
Conker: ok, I can handle this. Ah, who else is coming?  
  
Lieutenant: We need to find that out. You were the only person the CO named. He just listed other bits and pieces.  
  
Conker: What are these pieces?  
  
Lieutenant (looks down at clipboard): erm, a .480 revolver…an entry man…medic…  
  
Medic Corporal Tiernenn stands.  
  
Tiernenn: Medic Corporal Abram Tiernenn, sir.  
  
Tiernenn is a very kind soldier, very compassionate of his fellow rodent. He has been in the army since the start of the war, and has seen everything, so he is very calm under fire, especially for a medic.  
  
Lieutenant: Well, that's one more thing off the list. How good are you?  
  
Tiernenn (scratching his head): Well, an 88 hit our last .480, McKinley. Blew his leg right off. Lasted for about three minutes before he bled out.  
  
Lieutenant: Hell boy, you must be pretty good. I've never heard of a squirrel that survived after being blown to bits by a mortar, nor have I heard of one who lasted more than one minute. You're definitely assigned.  
  
Tiernenn: Thank you, sir.  
  
Conker: So what else do you need? And what's an entry man?  
  
Lieutenant: Someone who handles a 12-guage sawed-off.  
  
PFC Kernelle arises.  
  
Lieutenant: What's your name, boy?  
  
Kernelle: PFC Sodry Kernelle, sir!  
  
Kernelle is a hard-core patriot. He, like Tiernenn, joined the army at the start of the war, and ran many an intelligence/spy mission, being an entry man.  
  
Lieutenant: You handle a shotgun?  
  
Kernelle: Yessir.  
  
Lieutenant: You're assigned.  
  
Kernelle: Yessir.  
  
Lieutenant glances at his clipboard.  
  
Lieutenant: He wants a Katana.  
  
Private Meffin rises from his seat.  
  
Lieutenant: Name?  
  
Meffin: Private Ashleigh Meffin, sir.  
  
Meffin is only a little taller than his companions of the platoon, but much stronger than the rest, especially in his upper body, and a pretty good leader. His chest is as wide as a keg. Squirrel-sized keg, of course.  
  
Lieutenant: You are a saber man, right?  
  
Meffin: I suppose so.  
  
Lieutenant: You'll do then.  
  
Lieutenant looks around.  
  
Lieutenant (cont.): Do we have anyone who can handle a .480?  
  
Random Private: There might be one in the next camp.  
  
Lieutenant: We need a sniper.  
  
Private Peter Alva stands.  
  
Lieutenant (sighs): Name?  
  
Alva: Private Peter Alva.  
  
Alva is a short cherry with titanium-frame glasses and ammo belts around his waist, just in case; a guy who just got into the world of war. He was one of the lucky souls that survived. Everyone on his boat thought that he would be one of the first ones to be hit, considering that he was in the front line. Just so happened that everyone but him got killed. He somehow scrambled up the beach, and was re-assigned to 3rd Platoon.  
  
Lieutenant: What caliber?  
  
Alva: 30-06.  
  
Lieutenant: ok, you're reassigned also. I'm going to go check in the adjacent camp for a .480. Thank you, soldiers. Oh, and those chosen must be in the Captain's quarters at 0345.  
  
Camera follows Lieutenant. He walks into the camp of the 2nd Rangers. All soldiers rise to salute.  
  
Lieutenant: At ease. All I'm doing here is looking for a .480 revolver.  
  
Staff Sergeant Handson stands.  
  
Lieutenant: Name?  
  
Handson: Staff Sergeant James Handson, sir.  
  
Handson is a very tall squirrel, well built, war-trained, possibly the best leader in the army, and even stronger than Meffin. He has one distinguishing feature that separates him from the other squirrels. A large scar running from the top of his left eye to his jaw, quite like Sergeant Barnes's in Platoon. Company-wide legend says that this feature was caused by surgery. A bullet was lodged in his head, and multiple skin grafts had to be applied. While applying a graft, a surgeon dropped his scalpel, and…well…least to say, it was a pretty bloody incident.  
  
Lieutenant: You handle a 480 Ruger?  
  
Handson: Yessir.  
  
Lieutenant: Well, you're going to Rommel with a group of six for relief.  
  
Handson: Six for relief?  
  
Lieutenant: There will be four other groups going.  
  
Handson: Awright.  
  
Lieutenant: Start packing, sergeant. And I expect to see you at the Captain's quarters in 0340.  
  
Handson: Thank you, Lieuten'nt.  
  
Cut to Captain's Quarters, late afternoon.  
  
The Captain is pacing back and forth. He is the character from Conker's Bad Fur Day, the former Sarge. He is a huge squirrel, nearly twice Alva's height, and he talks from deep inside his diaphragm. On his off-days, he would work at the Cock and Plucker, a pub that Conker frequented.  
  
The men slowly arrive and sit.  
  
Sarge: So that's six. Good. Gentlemen, as you may know, you will be going to Rommel to help baby-sit a bridge with a diminished squad. But before you go running off on this little escapade, you must know the way there.  
  
The lights suddenly turn off, and an overhead projector begins to whirr. On the white tent wall, a map of the surrounding area turns on, with Rommel on the northeastern corner. The beach was on the southwestern nook.  
  
Sarge whips out a wooden pointer and smacks the beach. Camera snaps to the dot.  
  
Sarge: Here is our little encampment, in the southwest.  
  
His pointer moves along a straight line, and the camera follows.  
  
Sarge: Where we want to be is here…in Rommel. But of course, we do not have the proper equipment to just chop through a whole lot of Tedi-infested forest. So we must take a road instead of flying with the crow.  
  
The pointer again smacks the beach.  
  
Sarge: At 0715, you guys will move out on a custom-made, muffled Jeep. Now, our analysts have studied every route on this journey, and the quickest route actually takes you through this line of forest…  
  
Pointer moves along a forested road.  
  
Sarge (cont.): …through some civilian pastures, where the city of Kestrel awaits with fuel and spare munitions…  
  
Pointer follows road.  
  
Sarge (cont.): …and through a mountain valley…into Rommel. Now this trip is approximately 100 miles.  
  
Soldiers mumble.  
  
Sarge (cont.): But this trip is important. We have intercepted intelligence that states that a reasonably large probe of SS Panzer Tediz has left their makeshift base.  
  
Cut to Conker. He smiles to himself.  
  
Sarge: Their probe consists of two Lion tanks and four Class 22's, along with about 50 infantry men.  
  
Lion tanks are extremely large, slow-going, five Tedi tanks (navigator, two drivers, engineer, and artillery man), made for blockading small towns like our Rommel and blowing them to pieces with heavy artillery. They are heavily armored on all sides (it's their armor that makes them snails) except for the underside, which is uncovered because the armory would drag on the ground.  
  
Class 22's, on the other hand, are small, nimble, two Tedi weapons (one man operates the tank, the other fires the shells), with ample-enough armor to fend off most grenades and some bazooka rockets. They are the blockade runners, formidable foes with enough agility to slip past even the technologically-advanced tanks of the United Squirrel Army (or USA. If I ever use this abbreviation again, you'll know what it is.)  
  
Sarge (cont.): …and they are 200 miles away.  
  
Cut to Handson as he raises his hand.  
  
Sarge: Yes, Sergeant.  
  
Handson: If their trip is 100 miles more than ours, then why are we leaving so damn early?  
  
Sarge: I had the feeling someone would ask. The usual Tedi probe, even with the Lions, moves at about 10 miles an hour. Our specified Jeep has a drawback. To be totally muffled, all groups must move at a speed of about 6 miles an hour. Which gives all groups only four hours, give or take, to prepare for an all-out attack. It's a 16-hour trip. You must not stop for any reason, unless there is a battle in front of you, or you have to clear something. Provisions are provided in the Jeep, as are propane stoves if you can't stand to eat cold food.  
  
Cut to Alva, squirming in his seat.  
  
Sarge: If any of you wish to leave this important mission, so be it. Stand if you want to desert this struggling squadron.  
  
Sarge waits for five seconds. No one stands.  
  
Sarge: Great. Any questions?  
  
Five hands are raised, the exception being Handson. Sarge searches the group and finds Conker.  
  
Sarge: Private. (points to Conker)  
  
Conker: How are we to know what roads to take?  
  
Sarge: There is an integrated navigation system in the dash that will point you in the right direction. Yes, Private. (points to Meffin)  
  
Meffin: Why must the Jeep be muffled so much?  
  
Sarge: This road, while being the quickest, is also very dangerous. Tediz patrol the forests and some of the mountains passes. We can't risk making a commotion. Yes, Doc?  
  
Tiernenn: Is music possible?  
  
Sarge: What do you mean by that, Doc?  
  
Tiernenn: Playing CDs, cassettes, eight tracks…  
  
Sarge: oh, yes. A Bose system is installed. One speaker; again, we can't risk huge commotion. PFC?  
  
Kernelle: If the Jeep itself is attacked, what protection do we have?  
  
Sarge: Bulletproof glass, labyrinthine doors, flame-retardant, wheel-tire combination. Jeep and Mercedes worked hand-in-hand for this project, and all the safety features are from the Guard line of Benzes. This specific Jeep has the highest protection level, B7, which can withstand military rifles and most smaller explosives, like grenades, for an example. Next question…  
  
Alva: What kind of food is provided in this car?  
  
Sarge: Normal food. Bread. Ham. Cheese. Vienna sausages. Hardy food. I hope your taste buds can handle food and drink other than veal and wine.  
  
Alva slumps into his seat.  
  
Sarge: I guess that's it. See you in 13 hours and 45 minutes. Dismissed.  
  
The squad stands, salutes, and disperses.  
  
Cut to 3rd Platoon camp. Conker lay in bed, awake. He looks at a small watch. 7:03.  
  
Conker VO: Well, look at what I have gotten into now: A whole lot of shit. Going to some damned town for a bridge and a few guys that I don't know.  
  
I don't remember how I got involved in this damn war. All I know is that I wound up killing well over one hundred evil teddy bears, armed with guns, with weapons ranging from submachine guns to a tank. For what? Some cause that I have no opinion on. The invasion of gray squirrel lands. I don't live in the cities anyway. I don't live near gray squirrels. I live in a small community called Windy. Moved there after my 20th birthday with my girlfriend. Well, former girlfriend. She was my girlfriend until a weasel with a Tommy gun killed her. That was yesterday. Yesterday! So much has happened since yesterday that it feels like centuries ago that she was shot. It's like that song by that one band. "Yesterday all my troubles seem so far away. Now it looks as though they're here to stay." Wise words from the hit band in Windy. They'll hit home sooner or later in other parts of the country. All I want to do is go home and have brunch with Berri. But that won't happen. Not now. Conker sighs deeply. Oh well.  
  
A shrill whistle sharply interrupts Conker's reflection.  
  
Staff Sergeant: YOU SIX UNLUCKY BASTARDS GOING TO ROMMEL! IT'S 0715 HOURS! RISE AND SHINE, PUNKS! GET YOUR ASS ON THAT SOUPED-UP JEEP AND GET YOUR ASS OUTTA HERE!  
  
Conker grabbed his stuff, woke the others up, and ran. 


	2. Ambush!

Handson was already in the Jeep when Conker and the others rushed in. It was quite a glorious automobile. Roomy. Leather seats. Digital readout. The single Bose speaker above their head. The windows were tinted, yet there was no sunroof. A slow blast of warm air wafted from the air conditioning vents, which automatically moved back and forth to fill the cabin with comfortable heat. Handson took the wheel and started the car. It was totally soundless as the engine cranked up. He looked at the speedometer and noticed that the top speed was 20. He started the engine, and they cruised at the slow six miles an hour.  
  
Handson: Hope you brought a book.  
  
Meffin: Why would they have one? It would've been destroyed during the invasion.  
  
Alva slips off his waterproof duffel bag and whips out a selection of literature. The others stare at him.  
  
Conker: What have you got there, Peter?  
  
Alva: oh. Um. John McDonald and Peter Benchley.  
  
Only Conker and Tiernenn knew of all these authors. The others were puzzled.  
  
Alva: Just some light reading for the trip. I'm almost done with A Deadly Shade of Gold.  
  
Conker: May I read it afterwards?  
  
Alva: Yeah, sure.  
  
Conker: Until then, I'll check what we have for breakfast.  
  
Conker slipped into the cargo trunk. There were a few plastic crates of supplies. He chose one and found that it was ammunition. He set that one aside. Conker chose another one, and in it was some propane and a stove. He grabbed the third and found air-sealed cereal packets with milk and a spoon. Alva opened his carefully to find corn flakes with whole milk. He shuddered and poured. The others scarfed theirs.  
  
The beach plain was beginning to end, and deciduous forest lay in the distance.  
  
Tiernenn: Hey, Meffin, could I see your Katana for a second?  
  
Meffin: Yeah, sure.  
  
Meffin rummages through his pack for a moment, drawing his long samurai- style saber. The blade was about three feet long, and the hilt was gold- plated with grip tape on the handle. It was an eloquent sword.  
  
Kernelle (whistling): How much was this?  
  
Meffin: I'm not really sure, but probably somewhere around $150, give or take.  
  
The rest are mystified, except for Handson. He's seen better, and he also needs to pay attention.  
  
Handson: Well, our saber man, before he was KIA had a saber four and a half feet long. Damn thing was as big as him, but he could swing that thing hard. Muscles proportionately as big as Meffin's here.  
  
View through the windshield shows thick woods approaching. The entrance is like an archway.  
  
Alva: What have they got in there, the Elvenking?  
  
Cabin is filled with a dark green light. Conker looks through his window to see not a ray of pure sunlight. A pheasant scuttles across the side of the road and takes flight.  
  
Conker: What time is it?  
  
Kernelle looks at the digital clock.  
  
Kernelle: 7:30.  
  
Tiernenn: In the part of the country I live in, it's time to get up. It's a whole other time zone there.  
  
Kernelle: Well, sure it's your time to get up, but I doubt that most other squirrels of the area share your opinion of waking up while owls are still hunting.  
  
Meffin: Now, don't go slamming Tiernenn for living in Willow Woods.  
  
Conker is aroused by this.  
  
Conker: Wait…you lived in Willow Woods?  
  
Tiernenn: Yeah, why do you care?  
  
Conker: That's where I grew up!  
  
Tiernenn: No kidding!  
  
Conker: No, no!  
  
Tiernenn: Prove it to me.  
  
Conker: There's a windmill.  
  
Tiernenn: There are windmills all over the country. What color are the flaps?  
  
Conker: Burlap.  
  
Tiernenn: Damn, he does live there.  
  
Handson: Well, this is great that you guys lived in the same city, but can we talk about something the entire group can converse about?  
  
The group is pensive for a moment.  
  
Handson: ok, it's Shut Up Time then. And that's a direct order.  
  
Handson, still looking at the road, points backwards at all the soldiers in the back. He then puts both hands on the wheel. The group sits in silence. Meffin chuckles to himself.  
  
Meffin: Did anyone see Soderville get smacked around by Gardendale last week?  
  
Handson: Try again.  
  
Cut exterior. Camera rises out of the forest, showing a view of how far it stretches. It then zooms slowly, picking up speed, and then blasts forward, a blur of greens and browns, and it winds up in a clearing with a large encampment.  
  
Caption: Tedi Makeshift Headquarters.  
  
A little less than 200 miles away.  
  
Tediz run around everywhere within the barracks. Camera zooms into a particularly large tent, and shows many Tedi soldiers and officers as an audience before an overhead projection. It shows a map quite like the one Sarge showed the others.  
  
Tedi General (translation caption for all of these): We are an approximate 200 miles away from Rommel. There, The Enemy is storing ammunition and soldiers there. We must kill all of The Enemy there, and steal their weapons and munitions. The evil squirrels' weapons are very accurate and true and powerful, and we could use them the best. We must find all firearms and ammo and use it to our advantage! Two large platoons will be leaving immeadiately. 50 infantry accompanied by six tanks. They will make their way to the squirrel village and kill all who oppose, and strip their weapons from their cold, dead fingers. This will be a long journey. We have handpicked the best of you soldiers. Are their any questions?  
  
There were none.  
  
Tedi General: Go, and serve your Masters well!  
  
All of the audience file out. The camera follows them to their tanks and tents to get guns and ammo. They start moving pretty quickly.  
  
Cut back to the Jeep. Conker is resting in his seat.  
  
Cut to interior forest. Tediz rush through the woods.  
  
Alva is next to him, reading White Shark.  
  
Cut to Tediz. They hop over briar patches and stumps.  
  
Tiernenn is fingering through A Deadly Shade of Gold. Kernelle is unloading and reloading his shotgun.  
  
Cut to Tedi POV: Camera rushes past tree trunks, and stops to see a break in the trees, showing the Jeep. It crouches in a small rill.  
  
Meffin is looking at the digital clock. 8:00. He nudges Handson.  
  
Meffin: Hey, Sarge, want to switch?  
  
Handson thinks for a moment.  
  
Handson: Why not? I feel like resting anyway.  
  
Handson quickly brings the SUV to a stop. He and Meffin slowly open their doors, and close them gently. They switch seats. At that moment, a single bullet slams into the door paneling an inch above Meffin's head. He jumps into the Jeep quickly.  
  
Meffin: WE'RE UNDER ATTACK!  
  
The others quickly arise from their light slumber and grab their weapons. Handson adjusts his revolver sight. Alva loads his Springfield. Conker checks his 30-cal magazines. Tiernenn pops a bandolier into his M-1. Kernelle pumps his shotgun. Meffin pops a magazine into a Colt .45 and waits. Nothing. Then a long stick grenade escapes from the brush. Meffin slams on it, but the car is only moving at 15 miles per hour. He groans, and the Tediz pop out from their ditches. A perfect ambush. But most of them were unaware of the grenade, and the explosion kills or wounds all of the small attack. Meffin slows down back to 6. He sighs and crosses himself.  
  
Alva: That was close.  
  
Handson (to Meffin): No more switching.  
  
Conker squints grimly.  
  
Handson: You stay on the wheel at all times, got that?  
  
Meffin: Yessir.  
  
Handson relaxes.  
  
Handson: I'm resting. Don't wake me for any unimportant reason, or your ass will be mine. I shit you not.  
  
Handson closes his eyes.  
  
Conker: What a tightass.  
  
Handson (still with closed eyes): I heard that, Private. You may have been some breed of hotshot in that bunker, but you're out in the world now. In there, you had no commanding officer. You were an unlucky bastard who was one of the sole survivors of the assault on that beach. Now, you're under my total control. I'm watching you.  
  
Handson reclines.  
  
Cut to exterior. Shows the Jeep moving slowly forward. Camera rushes past it, through branches and leaves, showing an eventual light at the end of the tunnel. The camera bursts out, and turns left sharply, zooming towards another road on a plain. Another Jeep is making its was northeast. All of a sudden, Tediz attack from all angles. One extremely bulky on swings a sledgehammer to bust down a door, and its POV shows three squirrels with their hands raise, while the driver and two other passengers fire at the large Tedi, killing it. Other Tediz quickly dispatch of the rebels, and the POWs are escorted out of the vehicle and tied.  
  
Cut back to digital readout in our Jeep. There is a very small light at the end of the tunnel of trees. The clock reads 8:03. The camera stays focused on the clock. 8:04. 8:05. 8:06. 8:30. 9:00. 10:01, light fills the cabin, totally ungreened. The squirrels squint in the bright light.  
  
Conker (looking at the clock): How long were we in the woods?  
  
Kernelle: A little less than three hours. Slow going. If we were going ten times that fast, we'd've been outta there in thirty minutes.  
  
Conker: Jesus. Well, I suppose it's for a good cause. But if we were going…ten miles an hour, then we'd be there in ten hours. Oh well.  
  
Conker looks around. He then realizes something.  
  
Conker: oh my God…look around, guys.  
  
They do.  
  
Tiernenn, Meffin, Handson: What about it?  
  
Conker: These are wide-open fields! If a squadron of Tediz were walking through here, they'd notice this Jeep even with the muffling! We can go faster now!  
  
Alva: Damn it if you're wrong! Meffin, step on it!  
  
He does. But with the slow speed thing going, he was only going 15 miles an hour. It was still more than double the speed they were going before, so it all made them happier. Now with the 15 miles per hour their Jeep was louder than a ten year old on a roller coaster. One of the small drawbacks of the vehicle. But it was nice to be zooming ahead.  
  
Meffin: I'm really glad you brought that up so early.  
  
Cut to later. The hills have just started to grow larger, and occasional – yet small – bluffs lie to the north. In the distance, the small town of Kestrel lies, expecting the squad. Or so they thought. A boom echoes towards the Jeep.  
  
Conker: What was that?  
  
Handson: Light artillery explosion. I think the city may be under attack.  
  
Alva groans.  
  
Tiernenn: oh, come now, Pete! You need some adventure in your life anyway!  
  
He smacks him on the back, knocking his glasses off.  
  
Alva: Thanks. Now I have to find my glasses.  
  
Alva drops to his knees and feels around for his glasses. Just then, an explosion impacts about five feet away from the vehicle. A steaming shard of shrapnel is wedged in window, right where Alva was resting his head a moment ago. Meffin takes the Jeep to a complete stop.  
  
Handson: That came from the bluff!  
  
Indeed it did. Cut to a small nook in the hillside. Three Tediz are sheltered in it. Two control the 88 mortars they possess, and another mans a 20-mm. gun.  
  
Meffin: We've gotta get rid of that little arsenal.  
  
Conker: Come on! We don't have the people or resources!  
  
Meffin: We have two snipers, though! And I'm sure we have a pretty fast runner. Anybody do track here?  
  
Tiernenn raises his hand.  
  
Meffin: What would you do?  
  
Tiernenn: Any sprint.  
  
Meffin: ok. Now this is import –  
  
Tiernenn: HEY, HEY! Why do I have to go?  
  
He looks at Handson.  
  
Handson: We need a runner to go up and distract. And maybe you can take some of them out.  
  
Tiernenn: oh, this is shit-laced. What do I need to do?  
  
Meffin gives him three USA grenades.  
  
Tiernenn: oh, you expect that I played baseball too, chief?  
  
Meffin: Not that. I just hope you can throw.  
  
Tiernenn: Well, I did actually. Pitcher. Now, I'm going out.  
  
Tiernenn hustles towards the left side window, pushing Alva out of the way.  
  
Tiernenn: Alva, can you man this window?  
  
Alva: Well, yes, I suppose.  
  
Tiernenn: ok. Good. I want you to try to take these guys out while I'm running.  
  
Tiernenn hops out as Alva rolls down the window and sticks his Springfield out.  
  
Cut to Tediz. One of the mortar men smacks the gunner on the head and points toward Tiernenn. He angles himself and pulls the trigger.  
  
Cut back to Alva. He pulls his trigger fully first.  
  
Cut to Tediz. A bullet slams into the gunner's head, totally exploding it in a ball of fluffy liquid.  
  
Cut to Tiernenn. A mortar fires off, and explodes behind him. He reaches the bottom of the bluff.  
  
Cut to Tediz. They talk amongst one another.  
  
Cut to Tiernenn. He pulls a grenade and heaves it upward. It doesn't arc. He runs out.  
  
Cut to Tediz. They notice his run and begin to fire off a mortar. The grenade explodes in front of the lip of their little nook, and the ground caves. They start falling, but the mortar fires and kills them in the explosion as even more of the bluff falls off.  
  
Cut to Tiernenn. He puffs and runs back to the Jeep. He brushes himself off and looks toward the bluff.  
  
Tiernenn: Let's go! Come on, we have to help the people in Kestrel, and Rommel isn't going to wait for us!  
  
Meffin slams it and they start up with a kick. 


	3. Siege of Kestrel

Caption: Kestrel.  
  
Cut to overhead of town. Tediz fire mortars into the small town, squirrels run through the street.  
  
Conker VO: Kestrel was a small town, inhabited by gray squirrel immigrants and fugitive weasels. Ever since the start of the war the army was using it as a weapons store, for any mission going through the area. Without the villagers' permission. But the army didn't care. They could do anything. Well, except for keep the Tediz out of Kestrel.  
  
Cut to overhead of Jeep.  
  
Conker VO (cont.): When we first heard the artillery fire, we knew what was happening. The Tediz were going to try to siege the town and then go in with infantry, grab the remaining intact weapons and go. Like nothing happened. All they were going to leave was the devastation that was the former town. We were going to put a stop to that.  
  
The Jeep comes to a halt. The six recruits file out with weapons out and loaded. They run to the small town. A single gray squirrel Colonel in uniform is crouching behind a collapsed wall.  
  
Handson: Let me handle this, guys. Stay behind me.  
  
Handson walks to the Colonel. Continuing mortar fire.  
  
Colonel: Who are you guys?  
  
Handson: We're here to restock in fuel and ammo. Looks like that's damned near impossible right now, but -  
  
The squirrel cuts him off.  
  
Colonel: No, no, don't worry about it. This is a fine time!  
  
A mortar explodes by the wall, sending debris to rain over the soldiers.  
  
Colonel: Not the best of times, but an ok time. Get your Jeep and follow me.  
  
The others run to the Jeep. Meffin starts it and follows the Colonel to a run-down barn on the other side of the town. They park and get out.  
  
Colonel: Hey! Fuel men! Let's go, we got the Rommel guys here!  
  
A few gray squirrels walk out with gasoline canisters. They remove the gas cap and drain all of it in.  
  
Colonel: Is that pretty much all you wanted?  
  
Handson: Well, we might need some spare weapons.  
  
Colonel: We have those too.  
  
Handson: But the siege –  
  
Colonel: We got some tanks coming in to destroy it. Forget about it.  
  
Handson stammers.  
  
Handson: Well, all right, what do you have here?  
  
Cut to loft. The fuel guys are cracking crates open.  
  
Colonel: We have a bazooka with eight rockets, some 88s with no tube, some sets of throwing knives, a chainsaw, satchels, and claymores. That's it for EXPLOSIVES.  
  
Colonel kicks over some crates next to him. Guns and ammunition spill out.  
  
Colonel: An M-16, a twelve gauge entry shotgun, three Lugers, two M-1s, a seven millimeter sniper rifle, a Thompson, a Nitro Express, and about ten .45 ACPs. That's pretty much all we have to spare.  
  
Handson picks up the Thompson submachine gun.  
  
Handson: Come on. Take your pick now. They won't bite ya.  
  
The boys dive in. Alva trades in his 30-06 for a 7mm. Conker takes two .45s, Tiernenn the Nitro. Kernelle and Meffin keep theirs.  
  
Colonel: (to Tiernenn) You'll probably want about 200 rounds of ammo. And try not to waste. (To Alva and Conker) What size magazines do you have?  
  
Conker: erm…nine.  
  
Alva: Ten.  
  
Colonel: Red boy…  
  
Conker scoffs off screen.  
  
Colonel (cont.): You'll want about…ah…  
  
Conker: 22…  
  
Colonel: Yes, 22 magazines. And Cherry, you'll want…say it for me…  
  
Alva: 20 magazines.  
  
Colonel: Good boy. Now, when you're done, turn in any ammo you do not need, or we will track down your family. (Forced laugh.) Now, let me tell you where I want you guys…ah…you first, Fresh Meat.  
  
Alva walks to the Colonel. Pan with them.  
  
Colonel (points to a steeple): You'll want to be there, facing west. That's where the most fire is coming from. Hop to it. Don't get shot on your way over.  
  
Alva is paralyzed.  
  
Colonel (agitated): Go on, then!  
  
Alva sprints for it. Bursts of fire, but he makes it.  
  
Colonel: Next. You, Big Boy. I want you over south-southeast, ok? There's a little natural foxhole over there, and the firing is low. Shoot 'em up, Tiger. Next! Red! C'mere!  
  
Conker's POV.  
  
Colonel: I want you with Big Boy. Hop to it. Next, Scarface!  
  
Conker runs. He jumps into the foxhole with Meffin.  
  
Conker: Have you seen anyone yet?  
  
Meffin: No, not really. I need a spotting scope or something.  
  
Conker: There isn't one in your pack?  
  
Pause.  
  
Meffin: Oh yeah.  
  
Meffin rummages; pulls out scope. He searches the terrain.  
  
Conker: Anything?  
  
Meffin: Nope, nothing.  
  
A bullet slams into roof of their hideout.  
  
Meffin: That wasn't us. It's a snap in your ear if you're the target.  
  
SNAP, SN-SNAP SNAP! Bullets slam into random areas.  
  
Meffin (thinking aloud): Get the fuck out of here!  
  
Conker bursts out and stations himself in a building. He looks everywhere, but cannot find a soul in the woods. More bullets streak towards him. He looks around still. He sees a small creek, about fifteen yards ahead of him that eventually leads into the back of the woods. He leaps out of the building and into the creek undetected. Conker winds quickly through the creek and winds up behind about 20 Tediz all firing towards Kestrel. None of them notice him. Conker makes a daring move and aims at the head of one of the Tediz and fires. The bullet kills instantly. More firing, all kills. There are still eleven Tediz, but they believe that the firing is coming from the front, and rush out, catching immediate fire. Conker picks up the weapons from the dead, finds a large-caliber assault rifle, and holsters his 45s.  
  
Cut to Alva. He is experiencing heavy fire from the west, but has killed many.  
  
Alva POV. Crosshairs spot a small object; zoom in on a Tedi head, and Alva fires. Fluff explodes.  
  
Alva: oo, nice one…  
  
Cut to Meffin. He is still struggling to be stationed. Suddenly a Tedi creeps behind him with a knife. Meffin whirls around and catches the blade in the side. He yelps, then whips out his 45 and unloads on the bear, who stumbles and then falls like a rock. Meffin follows lead. Audio continues, but screen fades out. Sounds of heavy artillery and screaming Tediz.  
  
Fade in. Shot of the remaining squad facing a small cross, still dirty from action.  
  
Conker VO: When I was told that Meffin had been KIA, I just wouldn't believe it. A simple knifing could not have killed a man that big, that strong. I just thought of it as impossible. He was a big loss to our expedition, but all we did was bury him on Kestrel grounds and simply move on to our goal.  
  
Cut to Jeep interior. Everyone stares silently into space.  
  
Conker VO (cont.): You know, I think we lost all of our time we spent going 15 mph at the Siege of Kestrel. But I'm glad that I did my secret duty there that day. 


	4. Talk About Your Bad Days...

Exterior of Jeep. Camera angles to back to show extent of mountains.  
  
Conker VO: When we finally arrived at the mountain passes, we knew that we couldn't speed ahead like a sports car, so we again slowed down to the grueling 6mph and shut the hell up.  
  
The mountains, we knew, were extremely beautiful, but we knew that Tediz sort of patrolled the passes we were about to take. It would be tough to make it through without having to go through some major defensive action.  
  
Cut to the interior of the Jeep. 6:48. Alva and Tiernenn are both reading. Conker and the others are sleeping soundly, with the exception of Handson. He was staring at the road, making turns here and there. He stares up for a moment.  
  
Cut to ridge. A small bulge is low to the ground.  
  
Cut to Handson. He looks back down. Then his head snaps again.  
  
Cut to ridge. The bulge moves to the left and a barrel appears.  
  
Handson: AMBUUUUUUUUSH!!!  
  
Three bullets fire in rapid succession, slamming into the glass windshield. No bullets penetrate, but if they had, they would have decimated Handson. The boys awaken to see about ten Tediz on the ridge ahead with M-16s firing. They all check their weapons and file out. Handson sights in his 480 and fires.  
  
Cut to bullet. Slow motion as the camera follows a bullet into a Tedi's chest.  
  
Cut to Tedi. The bear is jolted up, spins, and slams into the wall behind him.  
  
Alva POV. Crosshairs line up a carotid shot and fire. Dead.  
  
Cut to Conker. Firing wildly w/ dual 30-cals.  
  
Cut to Tediz. Three jolt back as they are hit by bullets from Conker's submachine guns.  
  
Cut to Tiernenn. His new Nitro Express buckles from a huge shot.  
  
Cut to Tediz. A bullet slams into a Tedi head, disintegrating the skull and slamming the Tedi against the wall. The survivors retreat into a small cave.  
  
Handson: We have to get moving NOW! LET'S GO!  
  
The boys file into the truck. Handson puts the pedal to the metal and zooms off.  
  
Cut to Jeep interior. The boys are literally holding their hats. Or helmets.  
  
Conker VO: Handson went CRAZY with the speeding! We were going 16 mph on a narrow mountain pass, flying over small rocks like they were ramps.  
  
Alva tries to eat a warm ham-and-cheese sandwich, but the contents shake out onto his lap and he screams.  
  
Conker VO (cont.): But then, Handson noticed the gas gauge.  
  
Cut to gauge. Its nearing "E."  
  
Handson: SON OF A BITCH!  
  
Handson still punches it. The digital clock reads 9:14. Still at least two hours to go, and the car is nearly out of gas.  
  
Handson: Be prepared for the worst, soldiers! We've still got two hours to go, and we're running a little low on gas.  
  
Tiernenn: …you're kidding, right.  
  
Handson: Does this look like a kidding face?  
  
Handson makes a stern look.  
  
Tiernenn: …no…  
  
He suddenly realizes.  
  
Tiernenn: HOLY SHIT! We still have two hours to go?  
  
Handson: I shit you not.  
  
Everyone else is just having multiple cows.  
  
Alva then comes to realize something. He looks to the back. A gas can is stored towards the ass-end of the truck. He tries to scream out, but everyone else is screaming over him.  
  
Alva: WAIT A FUCKING GODDAMN SHIT SECOND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Everyone hushes down.  
  
Alva: We still have gas, you dumbasses! Look!  
  
Alva points to the gas can.  
  
Cut to exterior. At the same time, a lone Tedi fires on the Jeep broadside.  
  
Cut to interior. The bullet passes through the already-broken back panel and hits the can with a very sharp DING sound. The gas sprays out all over the extra provisions in the back.  
  
Alva and the company are dumbfounded.  
  
Kernelle: This is like the plot of a really bad movie.  
  
Pan out. The five look at the camera. Snap back into character.  
  
Alva (to the sky): DAMN YOU, DRAMATIC IRONY!!!  
  
Cut to exterior wheels. A tire hits a pointy rock and explodes. The car swerves, then clips the canyon walls, follows it, and slowly comes to a complete stop.  
  
Cut to interior.  
  
Conker: …………………………………………………………………………………Fuck.  
  
Everyone is just in shock. Then Handson snaps back together.  
  
Handson: Well, there's nothing else we can do. We have to abandon this damned vehicle and double as rangers. Not a single thing else we can do to get to Rommel generally on time. Soldiers. Prepare your shit and get the hell out of this God-forsaken automobile.  
  
Cut to exterior. Everyone starts walking out of the doors.  
  
Conker: How far would you say it is?  
  
Kernelle: Well, doing the math, if it would've taken us two hours to get there going six miles an hour, it figures two 12 miles. We'd need to go at least a constant six mph with no stopping to get there on time.  
  
Conker: Well, we can try. Let's go!  
  
The boys start jogging down the path. Adagio for Strings plays for about two minutes. Clips of the boys moving through the dark. Then silence and a steady picture.  
  
Conker (softly): "'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony this life…tryin' to make ends meet, you're a slave to the money then you die…"  
  
Alva/Conker: "I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down…you know the one that takes you to the places where all the veins meet, yeah…no change I can change I can change, I can change…"  
  
Tiernenn/Alva/Conker: "But I'm here, in my mold, I am here, in my mold, but I'm a million different people from one day to the next, I can't change my mold, no no, no no no."  
  
Kernelle: "Have you ever been down?"  
  
Kernelle/Tiernenn/Alva/Conker: "Well I've never prayed but tonight I'm on my knees, yeah…I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah…I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now…but the airwaves are clean and there's nobody singin' to me now…"  
  
Handson is annoyed.  
  
Quartet: "No change I can change I can change, I can change, but I'm here, in my mold, I am here, in my mold, and I'm a million different people from one day to the next, I can't change my mold, no no, no no no…"  
  
Handson finally cracks.  
  
Handson: "HAVE YA EVER BEEN DOWN?"  
  
Quintet: "'CAUSE IT'S A BITTERSWEET SYMPHONY THIS LIIIIIFE! TRYIN' TO MAKE ENDS MEET, TRYIN' TO FIND SOME MONEY THEN YOU DIIIIIE! I'LL TAKE YOU DOWN THE ONLY ROAD I'VE EVER BEEN DOWN! YOU KNOW THE ONE THAT TAKES YOU TO THE PLACES WHERE ALL THE VEINS MEET, YEAH!"  
  
Singing disrupted by a bullet snap. A bullet whizzes past Handson's head.  
  
Tiernenn: Holy shit; how can they see us?  
  
Conker: I don't know! But we can't see them! Run!  
  
The five run like the wind. Through the dim light, the squirrels are barely recognizable. After about a minute of running and shooting, one falls screaming in pain. The others simply run as shots ring out and the screaming stops. Another minute later, the boys stop running.  
  
Conker: Who's here?  
  
Alva: Here!  
  
Handson: Here!  
  
Tiernenn: Here!  
  
Silence. Pause.  
  
Conker: Oh shit. They got Kernelle.  
  
The boys lower their heads. Conker perks up from the moment.  
  
Conker: We can't let this stop us. We have to keep going.  
  
Handson: No, we can't just let this blow by like it never happened! Kernelle was a good soldier!  
  
Conker: Oh, why didn't we hear this dialogue when Meffin got killed? You Conservative!  
  
Handson: HEY! I never took any dislike towards Meffin, awright! You keep your Red mouth shut, ya hear?  
  
Conker: You Goddamn liar. You were always jealous of Meffin.  
  
Handson: So what if I was? What're you going to do about it, stoner?  
  
Conker: If we were in Brooklyn right now, I'd kill you.  
  
Handson: Brooklyn, mountain passes, what's the fucking difference? Go ahead! Try to kill me right now, you fucking weakling!  
  
Conker hesitates. Handson is cockily brooding.  
  
Handson: That's what I thought.  
  
He turns and walks down the pass.  
  
Handson (low): Red.  
  
Conker is outraged. He tackles Handson, punching him in the face a few times. But then Handson overpowers him, throws him against a wall, draws his 45 and points it between Conker's eyes. Alva flips out.  
  
Tiernenn: Don't DO it, man! You don't want squirrel blood on your hands, now do you?  
  
Handson eventually – and reluctantly – holsters his pistol.  
  
Handson: Death. What do you know about death?  
  
They start to walk again. Conker brushes himself off, and then walks with them. Alva and Tiernenn join up with him.  
  
Alva: You did the right thing. Stand up against that ass.  
  
Tiernenn: Yeah, that was a good fight. If you had just kicked him in the face, then you would've had him.  
  
Conker: Thanks guys, but I'm not any big rebel.  
  
Tiernenn: We're not calling you that. We're just glad you took a stand against him.  
  
Conversation continues. Panning to Handson. He's staring ahead blankly with a grim look on his face. He then cracks a freaky smile, and laughs softly.  
  
Cut back to the three in the back. Soft light is evident now. Conker looks around, sees that the mountains are behind them. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out his watch. 6:14. He then realizes.  
  
Conker: HOLY SHIT! IT'S 6:14! WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THERE SEVEN HOURS AGO!  
  
Conker runs. The others quickly follow. 


	5. Arrival at Last

Pan overhead. Zoom forward drastically to the homey town of Rommel. Buildings are partially destroyed. Grey squirrel infantry are lackadaisically eating sandwiches. Pan back to the boys.  
  
Conker: I CAN SEE IT!  
  
Conker's POV. The city of Rommel is shown. The sun finally bursts up, creating a dramatic, yet very, very corny, shot.  
  
Cut to Hallowell. First Class Sergeant Hallowell is a red squirrel who looks exactly like Conker: huge, blue eyes; cute little buckteeth. He would be a carbon copy of Conker if he were not an inch taller and if he were wearing Conker's signature jacket and shoes.  
  
Hallowell looks up and squints to the east. He spies four little figures in the distance and hears them screaming. But they are screaming in English, not Tedi-German.  
  
Hallowell: Hey, Opham.  
  
Random Private: Yessir?  
  
Hallowell: Get some drivers to ride east in their Hummer and pick up those four guys. They're USA.  
  
Random Private: Yessir.  
  
Cut to future. Hallowell stands to greet the returning Hummer.  
  
Hallowell: ok, men, fall out.  
  
The four file out of the back of the Humvee and line up in front of Hallowell.  
  
Hallowell: Sound off.  
  
Tiernenn: Medic Corporal Abram Tiernenn!  
  
Alva: Private Peter Alva!  
  
Handson: Staff Sergeant James Handson!  
  
Conker: ummm…Private…Conker.  
  
Hallowell: Last name please.  
  
Conker: None.  
  
Hallowell: Strange. ok, Sarge, tell me your story. Take a crate and a seat.  
  
Hallowell and Handson sit.  
  
Handson: Well, erm…  
  
Hallowell (interrupting): Come on boys. Take your own seat. You're tired too.  
  
Handson is annoyed.  
  
Hallowell: Now…as you were saying before I so rudely interrupted.  
  
Handson: We are the remaining members of a six-man reinforcement team coming to Rommel to guard the bridge.  
  
Hallowell: I suppose the other two were killed off.  
  
Handson (verbally aggravated): Thank you, Cap'n Obvious.  
  
Hallowell: Look, Sonny, if you can't tell your status without being offensive to a ranking officer, then I might as well get someone else. Cherry, can you tell us your story without being so very pig-headed?  
  
Handson is turning red. Conker smiles.  
  
Alva (under breath): God, stop calling me that…there was a telegraph of a Tedi SS tank probe coming to seize the bridge here at Rommel last night.  
  
Hallowell: Funny. We got a telegram reporting that a large convoy was dispatched ten miles north of here last night.  
  
Alva: What hours last night?  
  
Hallowell: 1800-2000.  
  
Alva: So…we came here for nothing, pretty much?  
  
Hallowell: Actually, you didn't. Also attached to the telegram was news of another backup probe that will be arriving here in two days.  
  
Alva: No shit?  
  
Hallowell: No shit.  
  
Alva: Well, what does this have to do with us?  
  
Hallowell: We need all the help we can get. While we are not 100% sure, we are expected to believe that to take a bridge, one force must need a minimum of about 100 infantrymen, 75 – again, minimum - of which will carry standard weaponry. In our case, the weaponry would be K-98s, 33/40s, and Luger 9mm, and then specialty weapons ranging to MG-42s, MP-38s, and FG- 42s. And then…artillery. Class 22 tanks, Tigers, Panthers, along with mortars and stuff. Who knows? They might even draw out blitzkrieg and Ju 88s, Bf 109s, and Me 410s could come in and try to rip us apart.  
  
Alva: This is terrible! I don't know what he just said!  
  
Tiernenn: He said that if we keep our asses out in the air, we'll get butt- fucked.  
  
Hallowell: Exactly. Another way to say it is a shitload of Tediz are going to come in with assault rifles, tanks, and aircraft to try to take the bridge indefinitely.  
  
Alva: What should we do?  
  
Hallowell: We do have a few anti-aircraft and anti-tank weapons for the bastards. And we have a few extra guns, and enough ammo to support a RAF raid.  
  
Conker: Let's see what you have.  
  
Cut to arsenal. Guns line the walls.  
  
Hallowell: I got someone to organize this on a day that we were very, very bored.  
  
(Hallowell will point to each grouping.)  
  
Hallowell (cont.): Here we have Thompsons, Sten guns, a Vickers or two, a Bren gun, Browning .50 cal, about twenty M-1s, a Lee Enfield Mk4, a captured Mauser Broomhandle, Grease gun, three BARs, 1903 Springfields with and without scopes…that's pretty much it, except for some 88s, anti-tank rifles, and other shit like that in another shed. But let me show you our real beauty.  
  
Hallowell opens a latch on the bottom of the shed.  
  
Hallowell: So happens that this specific shed was Rommel's large-scale storm shelter that led straight to a flat opening into a plain. Guess what we found on the edge of the plain?  
  
Everyone is silent.  
  
Hallowell: A Supermarine Spitfire Mk IX.  
  
Tiernenn: You're shitting me.  
  
Hallowell: I shit you not. Come on down.  
  
Hallowell leads them down the shelter to show a shiny Spitfire, rigged and ready.  
  
Handson: Why didn't you tell us earlier?  
  
Hallowell: Makes it more dramatic when you wait. We found this lovely machine stranded near the exit of the shelter when we came here. It was kind of beat on, but we fixed it up good and proper and made a killing machine out of it again.  
  
Conker: That's just stunning.  
  
Hallowell: Oh yeah. This baby can fly circles around any damned Messerschmitt, I guarantee you. The problem is, can any of us pilot it?  
  
Alva: Well…no.  
  
Hallowell: Exactly. Our only pilot was killed on our way over.  
  
Conker: I could try to. My late father was a pilot, and he showed me the general idea.  
  
Hallowell: We don't want to go losing soldiers to screwing up now, though.  
  
Conker: I could show you that I could fly this plane right now.  
  
Hallowell (sighs): Fine, kid. Go on.  
  
Cut to cockpit. Conker hops in, checks his levers, buttons and the rest and starts the propeller. The Merlin 61 Supercharged engine hums loudly yet beautifully as Conker speeds towards the exit, and then lifts off. The boys run out to look at his show as he makes a full circle and starts to bring the plane back to the exit. He eventually does, and hops out.  
  
Hallowell: Wow.  
  
Conker: I don't feel well right now, so I just laid off with the corkscrews and everything.  
  
Hallowell: Well, anyway…everyone is dismissed. Except for you, Conker.  
  
The boys leave.  
  
Hallowell: ok, Conker, we all know what you did in that Tedi bunker a few days ago. It's not one of those rumors that we let go every so often. Tell me the entire story right here.  
  
Conker: Well…  
  
(Continue the movie from Opening Credits in B&W)  
  
Conker VO: I got into the bunker and a small group of Tediz attacked me. Once I had killed the last Tedi, a wall opened to reveal a twisted maze of lasers. I was ambushed a number of times, but always came up on top. I eventually found an elevator, and crab mines attacked me. I made it, and I found a floor that took me to another corridor of lasers. I worked my way through there again, being attacked by Tediz, when I found the Casualty Department, run by mad Tedi medics. I defeated the chief surgeon and saved a fellow squirrel from death…well, kinda.  
  
I ran through the next door to find a Tedi manning a 50-mil double-barreled turret gun. I eventually found a bazooka and blasted his ass when an alarm set off, and a whole platoon of Tediz rushes at me. I man the 50 and blow them all to pieces. I go into the crab mine factory and finally find a way outside.  
  
There, I saw a firing squad about to assassinate a Private. I kill the five Tediz, and then find out that this Private was an old friend of mine, Rodent. He was testing some "titanium laminate" jacket which was indestructible. So we enter a gorge and see bombers above us. They were packing 100 pound bombs. So we make our way through a valley of mines and dropping bombs to find a very, very large door with equally large locks. Rodent suggested that I blow the locks with a bazooka, and we'd rendezvous at the door.  
  
So I start to blow them, and the entire Tedi Airborne drops in on me with M- 16s. This is a small delay. I kill all the airborne and blow the locks to move on to a room with a Class 22 tank. There's no way out…but there was a chemical plant door. I blow the door with the tank and walk in. There's acid and crab mines all over the place. I make my way through the factory and find a lever. I pull it, and the acid starts to rise. So I leg it outside. The door was opened to reveal a gun that must've been about a 155- mil, only with bullets and not shells. I'm droppin' bridges for Rodent and killin' Tediz with stick grenades, and blowin' legs off of the tower. The tower is on its last leg, and I hit it, and it reveals an underground cave. I go, minus the tank, to investigate.  
  
In the cave, I find a little girl. She's down here all alone. I plan to "save" her…with a ransom. But then, she says that she hears sonar. She says that it guides missiles. That moment, a giant missile is flying towards me, so I jump out of the way and man my bazooka. It happens that there are submarines that are firing the missiles. I blow them all out of the water. I run back to the girl, and Rodent drops in with the tank. I try to pick up the little girl, and Rodent tries to stop me, but then the girl begins to change. Her eyes turn green, and the floor opens up to reveal that she isn't a girl at all. She's an enormous Tedi/Crab Mine experiment! I get into the tank, and she introduces me to her mini-gun. I introduce her to MY tank. I blow the mini-guns and blow the girl off her lofty perch on the Tedi. I notice a spot on the Tedi's back, and I shoot it. He goes CRAZY! So then she attacks me with a laser beam. I blow those to and repeat the drill. Then she launches Mark II missiles at me. I blow them, and the Tedi falls, dead.  
  
The girl is pissed at me. She unleashes some crab mines, which attach to the tank and explode. It blows the tank, and knocks Rodent out. But I think he's dead, so I give him the last amends. Then the girl is SOMEHOW still alive. She starts a self-destruct countdown, and I drop through a hole in the ground to find…another, more complex laser field. I make it to the opening room in the bunker, and then there's another squad of Tediz, and blue lasers blocking the door. This time, I've been armed with a bazooka and blow them all. Shrapnel blows the last Tedi, and he hits the lasers and trips them. I walk out.  
  
Now on the beach, there are about ten Tediz, all armed with bazookas. I kill the first three, and then rush the beach. I'm nicked by shrapnel at the last bend and blasted out of range. I run for the Higgins boats, and there's Sarge.  
  
They took me back home, where I got caught up in a scheme I won't go into, and wound up killing the Fabled Panther King. His cronies then put me on the throne. But I didn't like being king. So I took an informal leave of absence and came back here.  
  
Hallowell: Why?  
  
Conker: It's lonely at the top.  
  
Hallowell: Whatever. That was a riveting story. Not as exaggerated as my war friends tell me, but still thrilling.  
  
Hallowell eyes Conker.  
  
Hallowell (cont.): Say, want to come over to my pad with some of the guys? They'd all want to meet you.  
  
Conker: Sure! That's great! Can Alva and Tiernenn come along too?  
  
Hallowell: Fine with me. See you at 1930 hours.  
  
Hallowell walks off, and Conker follows. 


	6. Life of the Party and Some Kind of Shoot...

Cut to dusk. A lone building spouts inaudible music. The three boys come into the shot. They knock on the door.  
  
Cut to close-up of door. A slot opens, as usual, and a pair of eyes is in the space.  
  
Door Watchman: Who are you guys?  
  
Conker: Special guests of Sarge's.  
  
Door Watchman: …ok, I'll bag that. One second.  
  
Watchman disappears, slot closes. Clicking of locks opening for about 15 seconds and door swings open. Music is totally audible now. It's Jefferson Airplane.  
  
Door Watchman: oh, you guys are the new recruits! I feel so stupid now; Sarge told us someone would be coming in about now.  
  
Conker: Well, it's ok now. Can we come in?  
  
Door Watchman: I opened the door, didn't I?  
  
Conker: uh, I suppose so. Thanks.  
  
The boys walk in.  
  
DW: The party's the second door to the left. Well, the stairs to it are.  
  
The boys walk down the hallway, turn, and descend the stairs. There is a sweet smell in the air, quite like marijuana. The atmosphere is totally different. The lighting is perfect, kind of dark, but not Godfather-café- shooting lighting. Soldiers of all kinds are lying around everywhere, very lackadaisical and giggly.  
  
Random Corporal (raspy voice): Hhhhhhey there, New Meat! Want some hhhhhash?  
  
Alva is absolutely terrified. Tiernenn and Conker are totally used to this situation.  
  
Tiernenn: I'll take some.  
  
Conker: No weed. Got any liquor?  
  
Random Corporal: okey-dokey domino-key. Eh, Sly, we got an order for some hhhhhash and a bit of alkyhol. Whatchu want? We have many diff'rent brands from a wide range of…(bursts out laughing)…countries. We have…uhhhh…(giggle)…Grey Goose, Wild Turkey…Mad Ostrich!  
  
Makes everyone laugh, except for the three.  
  
Corporal: hooo…ah heh heh…um. Johnny Walker – my personal favorite – Irish Mist, Crown Royal, Cradle Mountain, some Daniels, of course. We also have gin and vodka. Woo. G&J, Sikkim, Beefeater, Stoli, Inferno, and…uh…Smirnoff.  
  
Conker: I think I'll take your favorite, and if I don't like it, I'll take some of my good friend Jack.  
  
Corporal: oooook! We got an order for Johnny Walker! Bring it up to the nice red fella here!  
  
Immediately, a glass is served to Conker. Tiernenn tokes his joint, then blows smoke out. He hands it to Alva. He shakes his head.  
  
Alva: Hey, HEY! 'Scuse me, is Sergeant Hallowell here?  
  
Corporal: um, yeah, I think he's in the back room.  
  
Conker drains his whiskey. The music has switched from Jefferson Airplane to Johnny Rivers.  
  
Conker: Can we go talk to him?  
  
Corporal: Sure, that's where everyone else is…yeah…you like Johnny?  
  
Conker: He sure is good? What is he?  
  
Corporal: Greek, I believe. Speaking of questions, what's your name?  
  
Conker: Conker.  
  
Corporal (shocked): ooo, ooo! You're a guy who did that!  
  
Conker: …yeah…  
  
Corporal: Hey, HEY! SLY! C'mere! This the dude who did that thing!  
  
Sly: You're kidding, Melsto. That guy should be in the fuckin' military cabinet.  
  
Melsto: No shit. This the guy.  
  
Melsto points to Conker, who eyes the camera.  
  
Sly: Holy shit! You are…that guy!  
  
Sly walks up to Conker and breaks his hand in a firm handshake.  
  
Sly (cont.): You're the Army's hero right now! We haven't had one of those since…like…that one dude who shot all those tanks in Sicily, you know, from the 1st Division.  
  
Melsto: oh yeah, that guy was awesome.  
  
Alva gives a what-the-hell kind of look.  
  
Sly: Man, you have such a fan base around here…but don't worry; we won't tell anybody you're here right now. Want to go talk to Hallowell?  
  
Conker: Sure. Give these guys something to drink.  
  
Alva shakes his head, but Melsto shoves a scotch into his hand. Conker is lead to the back. Sly opens a curtain and shows Hallowell, shirtless, lying on a bed with about four other soldiers smoking pot around him, ranking from Private to Staff Sergeant.  
  
Hallowell: Hey there, Conker. Glad you showed up. Where are the other two soldiers allowed?  
  
Conker: Back in there. Nice place you got here.  
  
Hallowell: Yeah. Obviously, this was another one of those damned shelters. Great place. This is our barracks. You can stay here overnight if you want to.  
  
Conker: We might as well. Where's, ah, Handson's barracks?  
  
Hallowell: oh, the Conservatives have their own place across town. They said they wanted to be as far away as possible from us stoners…so! Want to meet some of the guys? Well, here's Privates Salvatore Bonasera and Virgil Sollozzo, Corporal Hyman Roth, and Staff Sergeant Tom Hagen. Bonasera here is Italian, Sollozzo's a Turk, Roth's an ethnic Jew, and Hagen is…what are you, Hagen?  
  
Hagen: I'm German-Irish.  
  
Hallowell: I knew it was something like that. They're good soldiers, all of 'em. Let's see if I can remember what they carry…ahhh…Sly has a Lee Enfield Mk…4?  
  
Sly: Yup.  
  
Hallowell: …Melsto carries that Russian gun, the PPSh-41. Hagen has a Brit's Sten gun. Sollozzo has a BAR, Bonasera a Grease gun, and Roth has a…M1941 Johnson. Is that right?  
  
Roth: Yeah, you got the right model.  
  
Sollozzo: What do you carry, Conker? Hopefully not one of those damned M1 Garands that everyone else fires off.  
  
Conker: No, I tend to go smaller. Like dual Agram 2000s or .45 ACPs.  
  
Sollozzo: So you're one of those guys who are anatropous or whatever they call it. Use both hands.  
  
Conker: …yeah, I suppose so.  
  
Bonasera: Those guys are always good at shooting. Seems to be a genetic thing.  
  
Hallowell: Well, sooner or later Conker will defect from small arms and move up to something more…dignified, like an Italian M38.  
  
Conker (chuckle): Naw, I'm more accustomed to these babies.  
  
Hagen: Let's see it sometime. Right now, let's put some drink into you. What do you want?  
  
Conker: Got anymore Johnny Walker?  
  
Hagen: ah, yeah, I believe.  
  
Conker: Make it tall. Then we'll shoot targets and see how good we are drunk. (To Hallowell) I'm going to go check on Alva and Tiernenn.  
  
Hallowell: All right. Invite 'em in while you're there.  
  
Conker walks through the curtain to see a stunning sight. Melsto and Tiernenn are laughing like banshees watching Alva singing, intoxicated as a frat boy.  
  
Alva: "So take a gooood look at my face! You'll see the smiiiiile looks out of place! Some'in' somethin' blaaaa bla da da, the tracks of my tears!"  
  
He falls over laughing.  
  
Melsto: Someone's gotta teach you the words to that song, boy!  
  
Tiernenn is giggling with a raspy sound.  
  
Tiernenn: You should 'ave seen it, Conker! He was singin' White Room a while ago! It was so funny…yeah!  
  
Alva is still laughing.  
  
Conker: You guys want to come shoot targets?  
  
Alva: …Sure…(snrkkk)  
  
Tiernenn: Yeah, I guess…woo…  
  
Melsto: Yeah.  
  
Conker: Then come on.  
  
Cut to exterior. The soldiers have set up a small target of a teddy bear. Alva is first to fire with his sniper rifle. He misses five times. The soldiers all crack up. Sollozzo empties his BAR magazine and hits the bear once. Hallowell empties his and hits five times. They replace the target and Conker steps up. He aims with dual .45s and fires out his magazines, hitting the bear all fourteen times. Everyone is dumbstruck. They stop laughing.  
  
Conker: Go ahead, replace the bear and I'll do the same with the Agrams. Only get a bigger bear to show the 44 bullet holes.  
  
Hagen goes and replaces the target. Conker concentrates on the target for a little bit, then pulls the trigger and holds down for seven seconds, dispensing the cartridges.  
  
Conker: Count 'em; there should be 44.  
  
Melsto goes to count.  
  
Melsto: I'll be damned. It's forty-four bullet holes for two magazines.  
  
Hagen: I wonder how he shoots sober.  
  
Melsto: I donno, but he's good enough drunk.  
  
Tiernenn: Did you know he was this good?  
  
Alva: No, I really didn't.  
  
Conker: If there's anyone else here who can shoot 100% with a gun of any kind, step up.  
  
Hallowell: I'll be willing to try with my Thompson.  
  
Conker: How many rounds is the magazine?  
  
Hallowell: 100 drum.  
  
Conker: ok, shoot.  
  
Hallowell shoulders the gun and fires. In six seconds the clip is spent.  
  
Roth: I'll count the holes.  
  
Roth runs to the target, counts, and is amazed.  
  
Roth: 98.  
  
Tiernenn: …ok, let's go back inside. It's cold out here.  
  
Cut to interior. The boys are gathered around the shelter again. Otis Redding plays.  
  
Hagen: So how'd you learn to shoot like that, Conker?  
  
Conker: oh, I donno. Just…steady hands, I guess.  
  
Sollozzo: I'm tellin' you it's that anatropous hand thing…  
  
Alva is out cold on the floor.  
  
Hallowell (pointing to Alva): Is he going to be all right?  
  
Conker: It's the kid's first binge; of course he'll have a hangover.  
  
Bonasera: I only remember my first vaguely. I think I was in the eighth grade at Guilford Day.  
  
Hallowell: You got in pretty early. Mine was in my third year at Page High.  
  
Sollozzo: I got drunk as a skunk when I was sixteen during a cruise of Greece. No legal drinking age on those ships, I'm telling you.  
  
Tiernenn: I've never been a huge drinker, but I first rolled some pot when I was twelve.  
  
Sly: I feel like I've been drinkin' and tokin' since I was born. No way for me to remember.  
  
Melsto: Same with me.  
  
Roth: I've been drinking since about 18, but I first started smoking cannabis on the way to Iceland.  
  
Hallowell: Ho there, Cowboy…I thought you arrived during the Sicily raid.  
  
Roth: No, no, I didn't face true COMBAT until I landed in Sicily. But I was there from the start. That was nearly three years ago. Sicily was almost a year ago. Then we went into Italy, and I was re-assigned to you.  
  
Hagen: Well, all this is very intriguing, but I had my first binge when I came to this platoon. Which was a funny thing, too.  
  
Hallowell (to Tiernenn and Conker): It sure was. We gave him a few grasshoppers: two parts gin, one part brandy, and one part Crème de Menthe…or was it ONE part gin, TWO parts brandy, and one part Crème? I don't remember. But boy, did he get blasted.  
  
Bonasera: So, Conker. What was your first binge?  
  
Conker: Well…it was a few years ago. I was a sprouting bud in the show-and- racing business when I got a call from a friend of mine from junior high named Rodent. He told me that he was going into the Army illegally, only being 16 and everything, and he was throwing a party in his honor, and he wanted me to come. So I came. I had no idea what the party would be like, only being 17 at the time. I had heard of keg parties and the like, but I had never experienced one in person.  
  
One thing I didn't know about Rodent was that he loved to party. At this specific party, he had about three kegs of beer, an entire bar packed with every liquor type known to man since the 16th century. He also had a lot…I mean, a LOT…of pot. He smoked so much pot that night that his voice has been permanently damaged. Damn miracle he didn't die that day. Anyway, I felt very disoriented at that party, so I had a few shots of scotch. And I liked it. So I drank more. Every Friday, I'd go and buy a round or two, and come back home. So bad my habit was that my parents threw me out of the house. As they threw me out, they said to me, "Look lad, if you want to get anywhere in life, don't touch alcohol, don't be materialistic, never curse or swear, and never, never EVER urinate in public." Well, I don't really swear a lot. So there.  
  
Hallowell: Don't listen to them. They're taking it out on you because they never had a fun life.  
  
Conker: Yeah. The only channel they let me watch in Willow Woods was PBS anyway. Then I moved to Windy and settled down.  
  
Silence. Alva burps in his sleep.  
  
Roth: Anyway, I was talking about when I came over. When did everyone here come?  
  
Tiernenn: Well, I arrived at Sicily on July 12.  
  
Bonasera: I was in Italy, fighting the French until the armistice was signed. So then I was reassigned to Hallowell.  
  
Melsto: I was in Britain until October four years ago. Then I was shipped over to Thessaloniki to try to protect the port there. When the Tediz took it, I was shipped to North Africa, where I fought at Tobruk and El Alamein and a lot of other places. Then I was, of course, shipped to Sicily where I fought, then to Italy.  
  
Hagen: Somehow I wound up in Stalingrad two years ago. I was there till the end of January of the next year. Then I laid low until the Army called for the T-Day invasion.  
  
Sly: I was started at T-Day. I was a sniper for the Brits; they needed some. I got to stay in the boats. Thank God.  
  
Sollozzo: I was fighting at Sevastopol until the Tediz took it, then I was shipped to Egypt, and eventually wound up in Italy.  
  
Melsto: And we all know how Conker got started off. So Hallowell goes. Where'd you get started?  
  
Hallowell: I don't really like to explain th –  
  
Roth: Come on! We've been dying to know!  
  
Hallowell: …fine. I'll tell you. I got my first action at Gallipoli.  
  
Roth: Who'd you land with? The Australians?  
  
Hallowell: No. The British who forced them to go on.  
  
Hagen: So you've been in the Army for nineteen years?  
  
Hallowell: That's correct.  
  
Hagen: How old are you?  
  
Hallowell: 37.  
  
Conker: How many battles have you been in?  
  
Hallowell: Let' s see…after Gallipoli, we went into Serbia through Greece. There I was stationed on the coast until 1916. I just wasn't needed, I suppose.  
  
I finally got more experience at the Somme. They called for everyone in Serbia to come help. I was there, so I came. I was a machine gunner there with a Greek chap we picked up in Salonika. I never got his name. On the first day at 7:00 AM, he was chosen to go over the top. We all thought that the concussion shells had knocked the Tediz out. But they didn't.  
  
Well, the guys got to the middle of No Man's Land. That's when the Tediz opened up with their MG-08s.  
  
I had been watching the Greek from the beginning. When the Tediz fired, he was ripped apart. Three bullets hit him hard in the chest. A lot of the other guys were torn. There were only a few who made it back. After that wave, only a few of our guys made it to the barbed wire. Some "lucky" guys got to the front lines before being shredded by the Maxims. Even some were killed at their starting places.  
  
On that first day…we lost 60,000. On the 25th of September we tried the same thing with the same result.  
  
But in November, we somehow advanced to the north. That was the beginning of the end for the Tedi bastards. We started to tear THEM apart. By November 28th it was done for.  
  
In June of the next year the Americans started to land in France, so I joined up with them. I traveled with them until the end of it all.  
  
After the war, I stayed in France until we landed in Italy. I was sent there again, and that's when some of us met. And here we are now.  
  
Silence.  
  
Melsto: Well, I'm beat. Let's turn in.  
  
The boys mumble in agreement. Sly turns off the record player, and Melsto dims the lights. Fade out. 


	7. What It All Comes Down To

Black screen. Birds chirping. Screen opens up on Conker, whose eyes open after a few moments. He looks around. People are strewn out everywhere. Everyone but Hallowell. Conker gets up, shakes dust off, rubs his eyes, and walks out. Hallowell is facing east, watching the sunrise.  
  
Hallowell (not looking at Conker): You're up early.  
  
Conker (startled): You have an excuse?  
  
Hallowell: I look at the sunrise. It's pretty nice.  
  
Hallowell sighs.  
  
Hallowell (cont.): A telegraph came in during the night. The Tediz are coming. They'll be here in about four or five hours.  
  
Conker: And you're just standing here, watching the sun?  
  
Hallowell: Why not? What else would I be doing? Sleeping? Psh…  
  
Conker: Should I get the guys up?  
  
Hallowell: Yeah, they take a while to get ready for an invasion anyway.  
  
Conker runs back inside. Sly is up.  
  
Sly: Hey, man, you up already?  
  
Conker: Everybody get up! The Tediz are going to be here in a few hours?  
  
Hagen: No shit?  
  
Conker: No shit.  
  
Hagen: Sollozzo, Bonasera, Roth! We all gotta get up! And we have to get those anti-drugs Conservative fucks up too! Oi! Melsto! That includes your ass too!  
  
Tiernenn and Alva run to Conker.  
  
Tiernenn: What's up?  
  
Conker: The Tediz are coming!  
  
Alva: I thought they were coming tomorrow!  
  
Conker: So'd everybody else!  
  
Hallowell comes down.  
  
Hallowell: Everybody simmer down; they aren't here yet.  
  
Bonasera: So what? Tediz are fast-moving things! They'll be here in two hours!  
  
Hallowell: No, no, my Italian friend. Their base is twenty-five miles away. At least four hours.  
  
Hagen: Is there any news on what they're taking?  
  
Hallowell: As far as we know…two Class 22's, a Tiger, and about fifty to one-hundred infantry.  
  
Roth: Fuck. If we can beat that, we'd go down in history as the best fuckin' platoon ever.  
  
Hallowell: No, it's totally possible. We have some pretty advanced weapons –  
  
Roth: Like what? A Grease gun? That sure will take down a Class 22…  
  
Hallowell: No, of course not. But a bazooka sure can. And we do have anti- tank mines.  
  
Sollozzo: And one hundred infantrymen?  
  
Hallowell: Completely possible. Just take out a few automatic weapons on their ass with enough ammunition to last a day or so.  
  
Conker smiles.  
  
Hagen: How do you want to approach this, Sarge?  
  
Hallowell: I'll think of something. Just strategic placing of men in buildings is fine. Let's step outside.  
  
Cut to exterior of barracks. The Conservative group has assembled outside also.  
  
Handson: What's the news, Red?  
  
Hallowell (ignoring the slur): The Tediz are going to attempt to take Rommel today. They'll be here in about five hours.  
  
Handson: ok then. I'll take care of this…  
  
Hallowell: Excuse me, kind sir, but I believe that I am the commanding officer here.  
  
Handson (angrily): Who do you think you are?  
  
Hallowell: The commanding officer. Didn't I just tell you that?  
  
Handson storms off. Hallowell surveys his surroundings.  
  
Hallowell: ok. Alva.  
  
Alva: Sir?  
  
Hallowell: I want you…in that third-story hotel window facing the opposite of the river. The bastards are hopefully going to try to come in that way since it's the widest entrance. If not, just simply switch over.  
  
Alva: ok. Want me to go there now?  
  
Hallowell: Want to wait up there for five hours?  
  
Alva: It's my duty as a sniper to be patient, sir. And I always need to collect myself before a battle.  
  
Hallowell: Fine, blow your pants off.  
  
Alva walks off.  
  
Hallowell: Tiernenn, what do you carry?  
  
Tiernenn: M1.  
  
Hallowell: ok, I want you, Bonasera, Sly, and Sollozzo to face the same direction as Alva in that defilade; towards the plain. You too, Hagen.  
  
Tiernenn: ok.  
  
They walk off.  
  
Hallowell: Conker, Melsto. I want you two in that natural foxhole by the road. Oh, and if you would, set up some mines along the road, ok?  
  
Melsto: Sure.  
  
Hallowell (to Handson): You can tell your buddies where to go.  
  
Handson: I'd be obliged to.  
  
Handson turns to "his" troops.  
  
Handson (stammering): ok…Trouk. I want you with Palster and those…Liberal pinko guys at that little defilade. Ahhh…ummm…  
  
Handson glances at Hallowell, who is smiling smugly.  
  
Handson: Fine, you pompous pinko! You tell your troops where to go!  
  
Hallowell: Makro, Sturm, Lipe, all you guys stay under the bridge. Rig up a timed explosive to blow just in case they get too close. Everybody else just spread out. Be sure to have enough ammo. Handson, I want you with me in that shelled building right there.  
  
Handson: Sure, Sarge…  
  
Hallowell: Bring your 480. We have some Ruger ammo in the shed. Could you bring me about five 50-round mags for my Thompson while you're there?  
  
Handson: Whatever you say…  
  
Hallowell: Thanks.  
  
Handson (under breath): …fucker…  
  
Cut to foxhole. Conker and Melsto are sitting quietly.  
  
Melsto: Man, how could you live with that ass?  
  
Conker: Who, Handson?  
  
Melsto: Yeah, whoever.  
  
Conker: It's nearly impossible. We nearly killed each other on the way here.  
  
Melsto: Jeez, that bad?  
  
Conker: Worse than you can imagine…how many times has this place been assaulted?  
  
Melsto: While I've been here?  
  
Conker: Have there been other times?  
  
Melsto: Yeah. The first time was before I came. That was when the Tediz first took it. They forced all the inhabitants out. Then the Army came in and sieged the city, and they left. The Tediz tried to take it again about a month after that, unsuccessfully. Then I came. There have been two times that it's been blockaded. But I haven't seen anything this bad yet.  
  
Conker: What do you think?  
  
Melsto: About today? I don't know. It'll be historic, I suppose. Either a historic victory, or a historic defeat. But, truthfully…well, lemme just say this. There are thirty of us here now, I'd say. Fifteen of us aren't gonna see tomorrow.  
  
Conker frowns.  
  
Cut to Hallowell's post. Hallowell is sitting on an orange crate. Handson comes in with two armfuls of equipment.  
  
Hallowell: Thanks, man.  
  
Handson: Oh, it was my pleasure.  
  
Hallowell pops in his magazine. Handson loads his revolver.  
  
Cut to Alva's post. He is looking to the west.  
  
Alva's POV: A distant tree moves. The rumbling of heavy machinery is just audible.  
  
Alva: Shit.  
  
Cut to Hallowell's post. A rock falls down to his level. He looks up at Alva.  
  
Hallowell: Happy hour. They're coming from the west. (yells) They're coming from the west!!!  
  
Cut to bridge. Makro, Sturm, and Lipe are getting ready. They check their timed mine.  
  
Cut to defilade. The seven squirrels are all breathing heavily. Sollozzo taps a BAR magazine on his helmet, then loads it.  
  
Cut to road. Melsto places mines in the road. He covers one with newspapers, the other a brick, the other a 4x4. He then runs back to the foxhole.  
  
Melsto: We have grenades behind us. Remember that.  
  
Conker: Is that a good thing?  
  
Melsto: Kind of mixed. Just don't make any big jumpy moves to the posterior.  
  
They look to the west. The rumbling has gotten slowly louder. It keeps getting louder, and so does the breathing of the soldiers. After a minute, a Tiger tank exits the forest and heads for Rommel. Following it are Tediz and two Class 22 tanks to the back.  
  
Hallowell: Remember to head for the shed if you need weapons! Good luck!  
  
After another minute, the Tiger tank crosses the city line. The rumbling is intense. It passes over the mines. The infantry, however, doesn't. One Tedi steps on the 4x4, and is blown up into the sky. Firing begins. Conker chucks a grenade out into a clump of Tediz, then begins firing. The Tediz step over the other two mines in their pandemonium, bringing even more panic. Shouts of random Tedi-German is heard as even more Tediz are shot to ribbons.  
  
Cut to Alva. He sights in a Tedi, blows its head off.  
  
Cut to defilade. Tiernenn and the others fire towards the assault. A wave of bullets goes towards the post; Palster is shot in the forehead.  
  
Roth: Shit!  
  
They keep firing. Sollozzo picks up a spare 88, slams the tail on a brick, and throws the shell into the fray. Three Tediz are blown to the sky. Meanwhile, Tiernenn hops out and runs toward the shed.  
  
Hagen: What the fuck are you doing?  
  
Bonasera: This is so FUBAR!  
  
Cut to Tiger interior. Tedi German is shouted. The turret is swung to the right; towards the defilade. The five squirrels come into view.  
  
A WHOOSH sound is heard, and the interior explodes into fire.  
  
Cut to shed. Tiernenn's bazooka is smoking.  
  
Cut to Hallowell's post.  
  
Hallowell: REGROUUUUUP!!!!!! SHED, SHED, SHED!!!!!!  
  
Above view of carnage. The two Class 22 tanks are firing off at random buildings. The defilade group is the first to run.  
  
Cut to defilade's retreat. Trouk is shot in the leg; he goes down screaming as ten other bullets slam into his back. He falls face first into the dirt.  
  
Cut to Class 22 interior. A Tedi grabs a stick grenade and exits. He runs toward the foxhole, then throws it in.  
  
Cut to foxhole. Melsto sees the grenade, can't react.  
  
Melsto: GET OUT, CONKER!  
  
Melsto and Conker rush out, the foxhole's explosives go off two seconds later. They are driven to the ground. Some Tediz are knocked down also. The two squirrels run towards the shed.  
  
Cut to Alva. Alva is still shooting down Tediz.  
  
Cut to Class 22 exterior. The turret swings, then goes up.  
  
Cut to Alva. He looks at the tank. It's pointed right at him.  
  
Alva: oh…no…  
  
Alva gets up right as a shell is fired from the tank and explodes into a fireball in the hotel window.  
  
Cut to shed. Everyone is reloading. Hallowell splits with Handson to another building. Tiernenn stations himself in a building opposite of Hallowell's with the bazooka. He fires a round at one of the 22's, hits it, and it explodes. He drops the bazooka and switches back to his Garand. Sly slides in to station himself with him.  
  
Melsto and the other squirrels are regrouping. Four more squirrels are shot down. Melsto looks around.  
  
Melsto: Where's Conker?  
  
Cut to Conker. He's running down a tunnel. He runs outside, turns left to the Spitfire. He opens the cockpit, starts the engine, and flies off. He turns to the town.  
  
Conker: I might not have any bombs, but I'm a distraction for those Tediz.  
  
Conker sights in the Class 22 and opens up. The bullets tink off. But he mows down about five infantry. He looks west. Another wave of infantry is approaching.  
  
Conker: Looks to be about one hundred others…shit…  
  
Conker flies towards the second wave.  
  
Cut to Hallowell's post. Handson runs out of ammo.  
  
Handson: Oi, Red, get me some more 480.  
  
Hallowell: You crazy? I'm not going out there for your ammunition!  
  
Handson: I did it for you!  
  
Hallowell: That wasn't in the heat of battle!  
  
Handson: ok. I'll be honest with you.  
  
Handson tackles Hallowell, flips open his cylinder, and shows Hallowell one more bullet that he loads into the revolver.  
  
Handson (cont.): I've got one more bullet. If you don't want it to go through your head, then get me some more bullets.  
  
Hallowell: Over my dead body, you bastard.  
  
Handson: I guess you're taking that literally now.  
  
Handson flips the cylinder back in, cocks the hammer. Hallowell regains energy and throws Handson off of him. Handson regains his footing. Hallowell rushes him. Handson fires. Hallowell is still standing, whimpering. He clutches his side. Blood rushes down his hands.  
  
Handson: oh, by the way. I lied. I have thirty more bullets in my pack. I was just too lazy to get them. And it was a great way to get you mad.  
  
Hallowell is in shock; staggering. Handson loads another bullet.  
  
Handson: Well, twenty-nine now.  
  
Handson fires. He hits Hallowell square in the chest. Hallowell does a twist and falls onto the ground on his face, dead.  
  
Cut to Tediz. Two Tediz load a mortar; fire it.  
  
Cut to Roth/Bonasera. They hear a whistling noise. It gets louder, and then an explosion throws them out of the shot.  
  
Cut to Tediz. They start to advance. Suddenly, Conker's Spitfire breaks up their formation.  
  
Overhead view of battle. The few squirrels left are battling the Tediz's advance.  
  
Cut to Melsto. Melsto is firing away, and then is shot in the shoulder. He shrieks, then falls behind his hiding place.  
  
Melsto: God DAMN it! I've been hit! Medic! MEDIC!  
  
Cut to Tiernenn. He hears Melsto's cries, and rushes to him. Bullets hit the dust behind him. He slides in.  
  
Melsto: It hurts real bad, man!  
  
Tiernenn: Don't worry, you'll be alright.  
  
Tiernenn cleans and dresses his arm as bullets whiz around him. He then applies a small shot of morphine.  
  
Melsto: You sure this won't hinder me at all?  
  
Tiernenn: Of course it won't!  
  
Melsto: You better be right.  
  
They fire towards the advance.  
  
Cut to airplane. Conker has been distracting the second wave for a few minutes. He looks back to the main battle.  
  
Conker: Damn, they still have about half of the bastards left, and another tank…  
  
Cut to tank turret. After rambling in Tedi-German, the turret swings toward the second wave.  
  
Cut to Hagen.  
  
Hagen: What the hell…  
  
Cut to Conker. He's mowing down infantry. He looks to Rommel. He sees the tank. It fires.  
  
Conker: oh cack!  
  
The shell hits the tail of the plane. It plummets to the ground. Conker bails out about ten feet from the ground. The plane explodes in a small group of Tediz. Conker runs for the woods, bullets whizzing past him, and then he reaches them, takes out his Agrams, and the Tediz open up. About a quarter of the remaining infantry is going after Conker, while the rest heads for Rommel.  
  
Cut to Handson. He uses his last round.  
  
Handson: SHIT!  
  
Handson looks around. He sees Hallowell's dead body. He picks up the Thompson gun and runs to Hagen's station.  
  
Hagen: Hey! Where's Hallowell?  
  
Handson: He's dead.  
  
Hagen: What happened to him?  
  
Handson: Shot twice while getting up to help Sly in the other station.  
  
Hagen: So you just take his gun and leave him there?  
  
Handson: He couldn't use it.  
  
Hagen: Whatever! I'm going to go over there and protect his body. The Tediz might mutilate it if they ever find it!  
  
Hagen runs to the shelled building. He looks down at his former CO. He then notices something. No Tediz have a caliber larger than .380. And the wounds in his body show evidence of .480. Handson's gun.  
  
Hagen (under breath): Son of a bitch…  
  
Cut to Sly's post. He is shooting away at the oncoming Tediz. Sollozzo slides in to join him.  
  
Sollozzo (while firing): I counted 'em! There's still thirty-three left, plus the two in the tank!  
  
Sly: All we can do is die!  
  
Cut to tank interior. The Tediz speak Tedi-German again, and swing the turret to the Sly/Sollozzo post. They fire. Click. Nothing happens. They ramble again, and check the shell magazine. Nothing left.  
  
Cut to Melsto/Tiernenn's post.  
  
Melsto: I think they're out of ammunition! We might just stand a chance!  
  
Cut to tank exterior. The Tediz bring out an MG-42.  
  
Melsto: oh shit.  
  
Cut to tank exterior.  
  
Tedi: Fiyah!  
  
Cut to Sly/Sollozzo's post. Thirty bullets slam into their cover.  
  
Sly: Holy fuck! They've got an MG! (to Sollozzo) Concentrate your fire on the tank! I've got the infantry!  
  
Cut to tank exterior. They raise a small, front-facing metal shield to fire the gun from. About fifteen bullets hit the shield, with no effect.  
  
Cut to edge of woods. The Tediz, under command, cease fire. They advance towards the place Conker was. They search the area. Nothing.  
  
Cut to under bridge. The three pyrotechnists are still under the bridge, listening to the sounds of combat.  
  
Sturm: Hey, don't you think we should, uh, help them?  
  
Lipe: No. Hallowell told us to stay –  
  
Conker jumps into the scene. Sturm pulls out a gun.  
  
Conker: WHOA, WHOA!  
  
Sturm: Jesus H. Christ! You scared us to death!  
  
Conker: Look, we got to go help them now! There're still a lot of guys going after us!  
  
Makro: But we were told to stay here!  
  
Conker: Who cares about that now? We have a battle to fight! Now let's go!  
  
Conker gets out and runs to Rommel. The other three follow. They slide into the shed.  
  
Conker: Let's see. Agram magazines…. 45s…I'm set. What do you guys want?  
  
Makro: I'm going with a Garand.  
  
Lipe: Mark 4.  
  
Sturm: Sten gun.  
  
Conker: Sturm, you stay with me. You two join someone else at a post.  
  
Sturm: Where are we going?  
  
Conker: I'm going to find Handson. He's who I'd want to stay with in a battle like this, no matter how much I hate him.  
  
Cut to Handson's post. He is still firing away with the Tommy gun. Conker and Sturm both slide in.  
  
Handson: Well, well, hot shot! Looks like your little air campaign took a wrong turn! Sturm! Don't you ever follow fucking orders? Go back to your post!  
  
Sturm: But…uh…I…uh…  
  
Handson: GO NOW, OR I'LL SEE TO IT THAT YOU'RE SHIPPED TO DUTY IN THE PACIFIC!  
  
Sturm rushes back. Conker then notices something.  
  
Conker: Hey! What happened to your .480! And where's Hallowell? And why are you using his gun?  
  
Handson (flash comes over him, and he grins evilly): I killed him.  
  
Conker: What?  
  
Handson: You heard me. I killed the bastard.  
  
Conker: Why would you do that? Are you crazy?  
  
Handson: No. Worse. Racist. And I plan to kill you too, you fucking Red.  
  
Conker: ARE YOU INSANE?  
  
Handson takes no more. He tackles Conker and whips out his 45.  
  
Handson (smiling): I should've done this a while ago.  
  
Conker: You'll be in too deep with this, Handson.  
  
Handson: Why? I have my friends in high places. I could get off easy. I have a good enough lawyer. He'll say it was self-defense.  
  
Conker: No one would believe you. Hallowell was a good guy.  
  
Handson: Nice is for losers. Sayonara.  
  
Two shots ring out. Handson is shot in the chest. Blood splatters on Conker. Hagen pulls Handson's body off him, and in his hand he holds a Sten gun in the other hand with a smoking barrel.  
  
Hagen: I saw Hallowell's body. I knew that Handson had done it. Now, we got to get out of here.  
  
He looks to the Tediz.  
  
Hagen (cont.): We've still got about twenty-five left. Along with the tank. Let's take the tank out first.  
  
Conker nods.  
  
Hagen: Tiernenn! EH, TIERNENN!  
  
Cut to Melsto/Tiernenn's post. Tiernenn hears Hagen.  
  
Tiernenn: WHAT?  
  
Hagen (nearly indistinct): Get the anti-tank rifle from the shed! We're going to blow their cover!  
  
Tiernenn: OK!  
  
Tiernenn runs for the shed. He quickly finds the large rifle, and sights it in.  
  
Tiernenn: ok, this is your time to shine, Abram…  
  
Tiernenn pulls the trigger. The gun bucks.  
  
Cut to tank exterior. The shield, hit by the anti-tank round, is knocked clean off, and it strikes one of the Tediz right in the head. Bullets mow the other down.  
  
Hagen: REGROUP! BRIDGE, BRIDGE!  
  
The boys run for the bridge. Sollozzo, during the retreat, is struck low by a bullet. Sly backpedals and takes him to the creek bed.  
  
Sturm: About time! Is the tank still active?  
  
Hagen: No, we took it out. If this next advance doesn't work, then we're going to have to blow the bridge!  
  
Conker: Whoa there! What do you mean, next advance?  
  
Hagen: We're sitting ducks. They might pull mortars back out on us.  
  
Conker: What if we throw an explosive to them?  
  
Hagen: We don't have another one!  
  
Conker; We can't detach the mine?  
  
Conker looks at Sturm.  
  
Sturm: Well, you can, but it would set off the timer.  
  
Conker: How long is the timer?  
  
Sturm: Five seconds.  
  
Conker: That's enough! Let's do this!  
  
Conker looks toward the Tediz. They're about fifty yards away.  
  
Conker: I can throw it into them! How much does the mine weigh?  
  
Sturm: About half a pound.  
  
Conker: I think I can do it. All right! When you hear the explosion, charge the Tediz! Tiernenn, you have to stay behind and help Sollozzo! This is the final push! Sturm! DO IT!  
  
Slow motion: Sturm detaches the mine. He quickly hands it to Conker, who throws it towards the Tediz. Fade in Adagio for Strings.  
  
Cut to Tedi frontline. A small object lands behind the front line and explodes. About ten Tediz are blown to the sky. The squirrels rush out. The frontline fires.  
  
Cut to squirrels charge. Makro is hit in the head three times, and also shot in the chest. Bullets whiz past Conker. Lipe is hit in the stomach. Sly falls from a hit in the hip. Screams echo. The boys finally reach the Tedi frontline. Hand-to-hand combat ensues as Adagio reaches its height. Conker fires his .45s into a Tedi's chest, then uses the butt of the one in his right hand to knock another unconscious. Hagen uses his rifle butt to hit more Tediz. Melsto takes out a knife and slits a Tedi's throat. Blackout. 


	8. The End

Black screen.  
  
Caption: Furlington National Cemetery. Eight miles north of Windy. Two days after the Battle for Rommel.  
  
Cut to close-up of pastor's face.  
  
Pastor: Today, we are burying the bodies of six valiant squirrel soldiers and commemorating eleven. Private Peter Alva was a sniper at the battle of Rommel. He served brilliantly until a tank shell exploded in the post he was in. He is being awarded posthumously with a Silver Star. Staff Sergeant Tom Hagen is being awarded with a Bronze Star for his performance in Rommel, along with his moral duty. He saved Private Conker from a one Staff Sergeant James Handson, who was about to murder him, by killing the latter. Corporal Jeremy Melsto is being decorated with a Purple Heart and a Distinguished Service Cross. After being hit in the shoulder, Melsto went on the final charge of Rommel, which was ultimately the most significant move of the battle. Sergeant First Class Henry Hallowell's family is being awarded with his Distinguished Service Medal. He organized the defense of Rommel, and commanded it before being attacked and murdered by Staff Sergeant Handson. He is a great loss, having being awarded multiple awards in previous wars, including the Medal of Honor, Silver Star, and Victory Medal. Medic Corporal Abram Tiernenn is being awarded with the Medal of Honor. He took out two tanks during the battle, blew another one's cover, and gallantly tended to Corporal Melsto during the heat of battle. Private Sylvester "Sly" Thurmond is being honored with a Purple Heart and a Silver Star. After seeing his fellow private, Virgil Sollozzo, being hit in the hip, he dragged him thirty feet into a dry creek bed, and was then wounded during the charge on the Tedi frontline. Private Virgil Sollozzo is receiving a Purple Heart and a Victory Medal for his work in Rommel. Ordnance Corps Privates Ashleigh Makro, Germel Lipe, and Ruger Sturm are being awarded with Bronze Stars, with the former two being given posthumously. Sturm set up the explosive that began the Rommel Charge, and Makro and Lipe both died during the advance. Private Conker has set a new Army record for being the most decorated soldier in the history of the organization. He is being awarded with a Medal of Honor, Distinguished Service Cross, Distinguished Flying Cross, Air Force Distinguished Service Medal, and a Victory Medal. Against all odds, he prevailed. He was forced out of his first defilade after killing many Tediz, he heroically manned a single spare Supermarine Spitfire and mowed down most of the first wave and also flinched the second wave. A tank shell eventually shot down his plane, and he bailed out just behind the enemy's back line. He held his station in the woods for a few minutes, and then ran to the bridge where he found Lipe, Makro, and Sturm. He took them to get weapons, and was attacked by Handson. After regrouping to the bridge, he threw the only explosive they had deep into the Tediz's lines, then meritoriously charged the frontline, killing at least five Tediz. He also decimated the Tedi force in T-Day, which he is being awarded another Medal of Honor and Victory Medal, but even this performance cannot top what he did for us in Rommel. He would be promoted immediately to Sergeant Major of the Army, another record for largest jump in military history, but retired to return to his home in Windy to, quote, ".take in all that has happened over the past week." So we decided to promote Sergeant Hagen to the lofty rank. All other soldiers are being promoted two ranks. We commend you, soldiers, for your job well done.  
  
Applause. Shift to living soldiers, highly decorated, with their blue Army uniforms. Fix on Conker as Adagio for Strings fades in. Blackout; credits.  
  
Cast as I would've wanted it:  
  
Conker.Chris Seavor Lieutenant.Bruce Willis Tiernenn.Matt Damon Kernelle.Owen Wilson Meffin.Ja Rule Alva.Hayden Christiansen Handson.Tim McGraw Sarge.Chris Seavor Colonel.Charlie Sheen Hallowell.Alec Baldwin Private.Chris Seavor Doorman.Chris Seavor Melsto.Jimmy Fallon Sly.Ben Stiller Hagen.Luke Wilson Roth.Adam Goldberg Sollozzo.Stanley Tucci Bonasera.Ray Liotta Sturm.Tobey McGuire Lipe.Brad Pitt Makro.Johnny Knoxville Pastor.Gene Hackman Additional Voices.Chris Seavor  
  
Obviously, this is an all-star cast, and would be pretty near impossible to assemble, but hey, a man can dream. 


End file.
